On Friday and Saturday I had to go to the hospital to get my series of two steroid shots. While I was there they also monitored me for any contractions. Which, praise God, I am not having any thus far. Both times, before I could leave, they ask you the same never-ending slew of questions and inputed my answers into their computer.
Is this your first pregnancy? How much do you weigh? What was your weight before you got pregnant? What is your due date? Do you have any allergies to drugs or latex? Do you have a living will? If you were in an emergency situation would you like a blood transfusion? Are you planning on having an epidural? What is your favorite color? Do you prefer pepperoni or sausage on your pizza?
Okay, just kidding about those last two. I was seeing if you were still paying attention. But seriously. Don't you have that all in there from the previous day? The one that always gets me is, "Do you plan on breast feeding, bottle feeding or both?" In which I shamefully lower my head and mumble, "Um, well, ahhhh, I guess bottle feed."
Even before I had children and we were thinking about starting a family I never had the "urge" to breast feed. Throughout my pregnancy with Kaiden I can honestly say that never once did I say, "I would really like to at least try." Hubs always encouraged me to give it a whirl before I ruled it out completely. I reluctantly agreed that would be the plan. I would try it and then make a definitive decision from there. Yes, I know it is absolutely the best thing for my babies. Yes, I know about all the benefits. Yes, I know that your kids will probably be smarter, healthier, thinner and less hyperactive then mine if you breast feed. And, yes, I felt, and still feel, extremely guilty that this desire still is just not within me.
So when Kaiden was born and whisked off to the NICU I never got a chance to actually start breast feeding. I did start pumping, however, the next day in hopes that my milk would come in. A few days later, and feeling like my chest would literally explode from the worst engorgement EVER (my mammary glands hurt just thinking about it), I finally got some supply going. I pumped around the clock every 2-3 hours and would take my milk to the hospital everyday so that they could feed it to Kaiden through his feeding tube.
Towards the end of Kaiden's stay in the NICU, they did let me try to get him to latch on for a bit but they still needed to monitor everything that he was ingesting. I never did have a great supply of milk, and by the end of his stay he was eating more than I could produce. I guess it's true when they say that your baby is your best pump. And quite honestly, even when I brought him home I can't say that I fully gave him a chance to really latch on to eat more than a few minutes. Eventually, two weeks after I brought him home, I dried up and we went to full bottles.
So, here I am with this pregnancy debating the same scenario. Do I give it a try again? Or knowing that my heart and mind just wasn't into it do I just stick with a bottle right from the beginning? It's a hard decision as I know how society makes you feel. I constantly get the question, "Are you going to breast feed? Did you breast feed your first born?" And every time I answer it I feel shameful. I often feel like I am a bad mom for not trying harder or not wanting to even consider it this time around.
I guess I will leave it up in the air and make that final decision once the little lady makes her way into this world. I haven't ruled out trying completely, but believe me, I am fully leaning on just going with bottles from the get-go.
On a slightly more positive note, I saw my OB again this morning. She checked my cervix and I am still about 1/2 cm dilated. My Fetal Fibronectin from Friday was negative! Which is a huge sigh of relief considering it is pretty accurate in predicting that I won't be going into labor within the next two weeks.
I survived my first weekend of bed rest, despite wanting to get up and do something. Anything, for that matter, other than lay around and feel completely unproductive! My husband has been a trooper and has handled Mommy AND Daddy duty like a champ. We know it is not forever and will keep trudging along for the sake of this princess.
Who, by the way, still doesn't have a name.